My "So-Called" Life

Last night I did something I have not done in a very long time. In fact, I have not done this since I was a little girl. Between the spiritual heaviness I have been dealing with lately to the physical aches and constant scriptures I'm speaking over my mind, I have not had a moment to feel true peace. It is disturbing and it breaks my heart. So last night, after the day had finished, I found myself in bed with a flashlight, two Bibles, and Matthew Henry's commentary spread out all over and around me. Sure, I could have kept the light on, but there is something about being in the dark and in the comfort of quiet that helps me feel safe - like no one will disturb me or distract my life any more than it already has been.

Within the last few weeks my "so-called life" has been broken, hurt, and double-dipped in confusion. The things that have transpired from day to day have made me think, pray, and seek God - much like life's lessons have done to me in the past. This time, however, I took an approach that I sometimes neglect: I took it down on my knees.

Questions have lately seemed to make a home in my head. "Why, God...what have I done wrong...why don't people understand...did I do something...where are You in this mess...show me what to do...does no one understand me...or my heart...where is forgiveness?"

You know that pit in your stomach when you know something is wrong? Do you ever feel relieved when you know (that you know) it was not you to blame or your fault? Do you feel peace and reassurance? Do you not care how the other feels? I wish I could say the same. The knot...pit...or whatever it is you want to call it, still exists in this woman. It is a fault I like to call 'people-pleasing.'

I love being happy. I am most happy when I am studying God's Word. When something or someone comes along to shake that happiness I tend to allow everything to fall  - you know, when something goes wrong suddenly everything is wrong in life? That's me. But while that has been a big issue with me in the past, I will say I have been better. More stable. More assured. Still, I'm neither perfect nor do I try to be perfect. But can I speak honestly?

While I fully know that I have so much to learn (so much that I will never obtain it all), I do have His Word in my heart. I know it because I have spoke it over and over again. I'm not claiming to be the "wise counsel" Proverbs talks about (1:7, 4:13, 1:1-33 and so on and so on). I, myself, seek counsel from those I know to be of God (I John 4:1). What I'm attempting to say is that through the studying of God's Word (which is the ultimate Counselor and guide) I have gained some wisdom. I use this everyday - all day. I do not make apologies for it and I don't cower down to stop it from coming out of my mouth. I am not ashamed of it and I do not force it on people. I won't.

What I realized last night, however, is that not all people understand this. But that will not stop me. I realized last night just how much my life has been grounded in what His Word says. I have also realized this:

For the longest time I have gone through life being upset (and regretted) that I was not one of those kids who had a hobby that led to a passion that led to their life occupation. There were kids that started ice skating at the age of three and now they have competed in the Olympics and have five medals. There were kids who, unlike me, took ballet for more than one day and are now traveling with the Bolshoi Ballet from Russia. There were kids who started singing at six in front of the home video camera and are now Youtube sensations and appearing all over the world. I was never one of those kids - and I beat myself up about that for too many years. But all that came to a halt just a few hours ago as I sat in bed with my flashlight and Bible.

That is what I was doing when I was a child. I was up at night praying in the dark. I put on plays in room to Christian music and godly children's programs (yes, I'm referring to Psalty). I wrote in my journals since seven years old about how much I love Jesus. I made my family come in my room to hear the latest puppet show which usually emphasized a healing of some sort. I was a family oriented child. I was a God-loving child. While others would pour over the next book trilogy sensation I was in my room with my Bible highlighting scriptures.

Some may believe this was merely due to my upbringing as a Pastor's kid (commonly referred to as a 'PK'). This, however, is only partly true. Yes, I was brought up in a Christian home and taught the Word EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. I was not, however, made to open the Word and study it like I did - and still do. I was not forced to memorize scripture or love God the way I do. This was my choice; my life. I would not ever take a day of my childhood back. It is the biggest blessing of my life. But my decision to follow Christ became my own when I, at five years old, sat in a kid's program at Christ for the Nations Institute and knew I wanted to be a Christian forever. It was my decision at fourteen years old to stop sitting on the sofa every summer and give them over to God; for him to use me as a vessel to minister to young kids. It was my decision to follow after His heart, and I have never looked back.

What can I say except that my hobby has been my relationship with Christ, and my relationship developed my passion - Jesus Christ. I am not perfect. I will not try to be. I am not a know-it-all and I will not accept it in my heart, mind, soul, or spirit when called that by others. I love people and that will never change. I am not mad or angry. It is not in my heart to be those things. I have been hurt, but because of Christ that hurt only lasted only for a while.

Thank you, Jesus, for always being the love of my life. I understand Truth and Grace work hand-in-hand. I accept the things I can't control and know that You will take care of me. Thank you for giving me a free will - the ability to make decisions. I will always chose you. In  you I find peace, comfort, understanding, and wisdom. Use me as your vessel and help me know when to pull back and let the things I can't control be. I am yours.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me.