This past weekend my parents spoke at the marriage retreat and my mother read aloud each of our letters. My brothers and I, each, attempted to put our thoughts into our own words, and I thought I would share mine with you. I hope it encourages you as it did the couples who attended the retreat.
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I remember being on an airplane when I was a teenager. I was seventeen or eighteen years old and it was my first time on a plane. Growing up we never really flew anywhere – we usually drove. This was a new experience and I was excited because I was going to see my brother.
The flight attendant came over the speaker system and started asking people to finish getting their bags put away and take their seats. Then I heard what we all hear right before gliding to the runway for takeoff: I heard the speech that goes something like this – “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard _______Airlines, flight_________ with non-stop service to________. Please turn your attention to the flight attendant nearest you for our safety demonstration.” Then after more directions I heard the lady say, “In case there is a loss in cabin pressure, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you...Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting children or others.” My first thought was wondering why “children or others” came after and not before me? If I were a parent, my first instinct would be to take care of my child. Why on earth would I let the child suffer…even if it is only a few seconds?
I didn’t think about it anymore until I heard my parents would be talking to you this morning. I was asked by both my mother and father on the way home from church this past Christmas visit on how I felt, throughout my years as their child, on the issues of putting marriage first and children second. They wanted to know if I ever felt deprived, upset, angry, sad, mad, happy, fine, or just okay with how they put their marriage before us – because they did.
My very first thought went to that flight – and the countless flights I have taken since that time. Then I spoke up: “Do you remember the flight attendant speech you get when you get on a plane? You know how they advise you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before placing it on others in case of cabin pressure loss? Well, that is how I feel about you two being parents.” After the confused looks I got I went on to explain that while it didn’t make sense then, it makes complete sense now that I am older and understand more about marriage and relationships.If the parent chose to put the needs of their child ahead of their own the ramifications could be bad – if not fatal. I know that seems harsh, and perhaps unrealistic in your opinion, but it is the truth. In order to ensure the child’s safety, the parent must first ensure their safety. If the parent loses oxygen while trying to tend to the child the result could potentially mean no one gets a mask – no one is safe.
Growing up with my parents I never once felt deprived of their love. I never lacked for food, water, a home, comfort, fun, material things, and very important - attention. In fact, watching my parents’ relationship was natural to me. Let me repeat that: very natural. There was nothing strange about the two going out on dates when we were young, telling us to go to bed early so they could spend time together, shutting their door to talk in their room a while so they could have privacy, or going shopping without us (and if you know me, I loved to shop!).
I’ll take it a step further and say that it was very normal to walk into the kitchen, hallway, or living room and see them steal a kiss! I can be the first one to say that my father knows how to romance my mother. Sure, I let them know they needed a room. I let them know if it was too much for me. Still, they never cared. But what their appropriate moments of PDA was to me was something they probably always weren't aware of: it was tending to my safety.
By them showing affection for one another – taking time for one another – it was letting me know things were good with them. Dad loved mom. Mom loved dad. Life was good. I had friends whose parents either had relationships all over the places: they had divorces, were about to get a divorce, in a state of “complications”, having affairs, single-parenting w/ boyfriends or girlfriends…you name it. But not once during ALL my childhood (let me repeat: ALL) did I ever question my parents’ relationship. Divorce never entered my mind – it was as foreign to me as the Chinese language. Why? Because I saw the signs of their relationship all around me.
They were married – yet they dated.
They sent us to bed so they could enjoy their evening.
They sent us AWAY so they could enjoy an evening.
They showed appropriate moments of PDA – some were intentional and some were unintentional.
They complimented each other.
They NEVER spoke ill of one another.
My mother ALWAYS had my father’s back – especially when I came running to her because of something I didn't like that he did to me. For example: I asked dad for a friend to spend the night. He said no. I ran to mom. She always asked what he had said. Most of the time she agreed. If she ever hesitated she approached him and they made the decision together. If I ever said anything bad about him in my anger - she was quick to rebuke it and demand an apology. He ALWAYS had her back – I am a daddy’s girl and they both know it. But dad would always go to mom when I approached him. If she said no – so did he. There was one thing I knew for sure about them in these situations (and many others): they are a team.
On the other side of the coin, and as I said earlier, I never once felt like I wasn't loved, needed, or wanted. Their attention to me was important. They loved me and I knew it. How?
They were my parents – yet we dated.
They invited us kids to stay up on occasion so we could enjoy an evening together.
We all went away on family outings so we could enjoy a day as a family.
They shared appropriate moments of PDA with me – some were intentional and some were unintentional. They complimented me.
They NEVER spoke ill of me.
They ALWAYS had my back.
Please note that while they never spoke ill of me – this is different from being punished. They never told me I wasn't good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough. On the contrary, my parents have always been my biggest supporters. They have always been the loudest when telling me I’m beautiful…especially my dad (take note fathers - little girls need to know their father’s adoration for them – this is essential to their physical and spiritual growth). They were always cheering me on throughout my education. And not to brag, but their encouragement saw me through three degrees. I owe it all to God and them. Throughout my life I have had the opportunity of being loved and loving them. To this day I know I can call my dad and ask the questions of life and he, as he says, “make the time for my baby girl.” He is the strongest vessel of my spiritual journey. My mother has given me her womanly advice and wisdom throughout all my years growing up – I credit her with how I handle myself as a woman and daughter of Christ. Still, even now, she will tell me she must get off the phone when dad walks through the door. Why? She needs and wants to spend time with him. Do I feel abandoned? No way. I am reassured yet again: everything is good. How do you do it?
Balance. Parenting.
Say no when the answer is no. Say yes when it is yes. And for your children and your marriage’s sake – put the mask on yourself first, then your children. And try not to think of this the next time you fly. I dare you!
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