27 Ends to the Other

With only a few moments left of my life as a 27 year old I thought I would take a moment to write some things that wondered in my head all day long. Every year goes by and the famous question of if I feel any older comes from many well wishers. Every year I say the same thing, "No."

This year, however, does feel a little different. I finally "feel" older. I feel time shifting and my age starting to creep up behind me ready to take over my life. Still, I embrace what is to come in my 28th year of life. I pray it will be the best of of my life yet. There is so much for me to learn and I do not want anything or anyone "creeping" behind me ready to snatch any chance of joy, love, or life that I have within me. In fact, if I were to encounter anything of the such I should think it to be childish and toss it away with a wisp of my hand. I'll do such a thing...and do it with a smile on my face.

On a more serious note, today I did something that was what I can only describe as one of the hardest things I have done in my life. Most people will not understand and, and in fact, may even think it nonsense. I, however, have completely different feelings. Even though my flesh is crying out not to go into detail about the events of my evening I believe it is a must that I allow myself to be vulnerable...take a risk...have "uncertainty" be my accountability partner. This partner of uncertainty will be understandable in just a moment.

This evening, after work, I went on the search for a pair of jeans that I have desperately needed for quite sometime. While I knew there were several stores I could easily pick to try and find some jeans I knew only one would have the "kind" I needed and would not walk out of the stores in tears. But to walk into this specific store meant I would be doing much more than shopping for a pair of jeans...it, in my mind, would mean everything to me. I had to do it. Otherwise, I would get on the train back home and feel utterly depressed. So, for the second time in my life, I walked into a Lane Bryant store and started looking at jeans that, as their store openly advertises, "fits you!" They made it worse with their attempts to make women feel good with slogans all around with words such as "flatters, perfect, rule the pool, fashionable," and the ever famous let's-not-come-right-out-and-say-it, "plus size women."

The moment I walked into the store I felt what I had feared before and the most: defeated and embarrassed. I felt ashamed and humiliated. Who goes into these stores but fat people, right? It's degrading to a woman's heart. I honestly wanted to run out of there with my hands in the air screaming, "They made me go in! They made me look!" Besides, I'm really not THAT big, am I? Just...plump? It was useless. I was in there and I wanted to cry. For the first ten minutes I walked around with my head down trying not to let the workers see me. Who cares what they think? I CARE! I care deeply. Walking in there was like walking into confession. I was ready to spill my guts out to the first woman who walked by me. I wanted to tell her I was not the kind of person that stuffs my face all day with jelly donuts (Really? Yuck.) or that sits by her television every evening with 5 microwave dinners and half a left over Domino's pizza while watching the Biggest Loser. I am not that woman nor have I ever been. Have I eaten too much at times? Yes, but who hasn't, I should ask! Tell me! I would love to tell them how much I work and how often I am able to really concentrate on myself. Guilt would flood my spirit as I would probably hear the Holy Spirit tell me, "I didn't make you over eat. I didn't make you concentrate on other things and not take care of yourself. You did that." Just heap the condemnation on me!

In truth, the Holy Spirit is not heaping condemnation on me. In fact, the Word says, "Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). Christ always deals with truth and grace together. They go hand-in-hand. So while I feel as if I am receiving truth all the time with how I manage my body and weight I also know that time and time again (after all the mistakes I make), I am forgiven by a God of grace. But if one reads more of Romans and chapter 8 one would see what Paul continues to say, "Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace" (verses 5 and 6). How wonderful that God clearly points out truth: if I continue to treat my body according to what I want it will die, but if I allow my body and mind to be governed by the Spirit then I will have life AND peace.

I continued to look in the store I'd like to call "Flabby Yet Fashionable" clothing store. At times I perked up and saw the good things. I saw the women who worked there and realized it must take a lot of courage to work in a place that most see as a store for bigger people. I saw that the store actually had a few fashionable pieces. Mind you, I did not care for 95% of the things I looked at, but I did find the jeans I needed. They fit me like a glove. I will also add that I felt better talking about my sizes with the people that worked there. Normally I would walked into a store and keep to myself and let myself do the work of going in and out of the dressing room finding the next size. This time I felt comfortable allowing someone else to do that...and then there is the greatest feeling of all. Please do not mistake me for being rude or arrogant, but rarely do I find myself being happy at the fact I'm on the lowest end of sizes. While other women were asking for sizes well into the back of the rack I was able to find sizes in the front. This may not have any meaning for some people (mainly men), but for me it was victory.

While I had a few moments of pure happiness, those feelings of shame, embarrassment, and defeat did come back. I realized my adventure this evening as well as those to come will have moments of good and not-so-great. I am learning every single day that perfection is something I will never achieve. Just yesterday my own mother had to remind me of this very thing. I try so often to be perfect. When I fail I am the hardest on myself. The sooner I learn this tough lesson the better.

This was my evening; my last evening as a 27 year old. This is the end of 27 and many other things in my life. I conquered a fear, caved into the concept that I will never be perfect in everything, realized that I have potential, and understood that while 27 was an okay year, my 28th year will be the best year yet. I have so much to look forward to this year: success, wisdom, healthiness (at a healthy rate), victories, great stories, and my true identity. Besides, I will not be shopping there for long.

With the words of Lysa Terkeurst and from her book, "Made to Crave" I have to share the revelation that came to my spirit and mind just last night. May it encourage you and help you realize that your identity is not in other people, things, scales, or even yourself...your identity is in Christ Jesus.

"I had been diligently filling my heart and mind with God's truths during this journey and these truths were protecting me. In this moment, I could feel the Holy Spirit filing me with a calm reassurance. And it felt absolutely great to say to myself, "One hundred and fifty pounds isn't where I want to be, but it's better than where I started. It's tangible evidence of progress - and progress is good!" I got faint remembrance of some verses from Isaiah I'd recently marked in my Bible...I found the words amazingly comforting. Here is what I heard God saying to me through the words He spoke to Isaiah: "I will go before you (I, God, knew this comment would be made in exercise class this morning.)...and will level the mountains (and that's why the Holy Spirit prompted you to remember these exact verses, even if only faintly, to protect you from what could have been a huge hurt to your heart.)...I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron (I will break through the lies that could have imprisoned you and made you doubt your true worth.)...i will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places (In the most unlikely places I will bless your efforts and reward your perseverance with small indication of your victory)...so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. (I love you, Lysa. I loved you when you weighed 200 pounds. I loved you at 167. I love you at 150. I love you and no number on the scale will ever change that. I'm not taking you on this journey because I need you to weigh less. I am taking you on this journey because I desire for you to be healthy in every sense of the word. I know your name, Lysa. Now, rest in the security of My name and all that it means to your identity)." - Isaiah 45:2-3 "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst, 2010 Zondervan.